a blather, but oh well

Alright, so this is post 3. The New Years Resolution stuff, sorta. Cause really its more of a whatever todays date resolution stuff. Man, I had a bunch of things I wanted to write this morning. I didn't wake up in the greatest of moods, but when I finally pulled myself out of bed I was feeling good. Not many things beat a hot shower, you know when you just let the water beat down on you, and wear its so hot that it almost hurts. Anyhow, I was going to talk about this past year, hmm...i think i said this already in post#1. hmm....so yeah, now i'm not. oh yes, the Sometimes. I don't swear, but sometimes, I really wish I did. Sometimes I just want to be left alone. Sometimes I hate that I'm all alone. Sometimes, I want to do things that I know are wrong, but I remember they are wrong and I remember who I am and I can not. Sometimes people bother me/let me down/make me stop trusting them, so much and I don't know why I let them do so to me repeatedly. Sometimes I just really want to go far away from where I am. This morning I kind of felt that a lot. Its just a passing whim, but hey, if anyone knows of any job oppurtunities in Europe or Asia let me know :) Preferably on contract and min of 6 months though. Just a passing whim though. I want to be somewhere warmer! Sometimes I want to get into a fight, like a real fight. Or I want to break something, I want to go out and scream and let things out. People tell me that I'm going to explore or snap one day b/c I bottle stuff up. sometimes when i fall, i just want to lie on the floor/ground for a bit and i can't recall what else was on my mind so i'll stop there For this coming year and the future what i want to change, or what some of my goals are: I want to be a better person. I know I can do more than what I'm doing now. In all aspects. I have to try harder to be outgoing, and firm, and vocal. I will stand up for myself more. I will not allow ppl to get away with stuff against me. I've stated this before, the last 2 years actually. But I will not waste my time with people that do not truly care about me. Time is a valuable commodity, and I should spend it with those that really matter in my life. I will work harder and more productively. I will waste less time. Cutting out all or at least most tv. Spend more time reading. And I will start seriously studying I will eat healthier foods. And Hopefully in a healthier manner. I'll cook more! I'll go to the gym an average of 3-4 times a week. I will do what I want to do, even if I have to do it alone. I will not feel embarassed or scared or awkward, or at least I will not let it stop me. I will do more good. I'll just be better. I know I can do more. For myself, for my friends, for my family, and for society. Actually, out of all the things that happened in the last year. One thing that has troubled me, one of the things that I think about often, and that I think about even in my dreams sometimes, is I have so much and I've given so little to charity. 2005 is gone for ever. 2006 is the year of Ahmed, incase you didn't know. This is my year. And I will force myself to make the most of it. To try new things and to push myself. Truthfully, I don't feel like I get much encouragement from anyone. But I know that people have great expectations of me and belief in me and wish me well. I have those same things myself, but its up to me to get things done. You have to work for what you want, you have to try for it, and try hard, never give up. And I can say this all I want. I can complain about this and that. And wait on this or that, which sadly I feel I still have to, to some extent. But not for all things! I need to start doing. Just doing the things I'm interested in, and things that will benefit me long term as well. and ok, i'm just rambling and any msg i was giivng has lost its potency, dah well. most ppl probably don't read this far anyhow. have you taken a risk lately? have you pushed yourself? Can you do more? things to constantly ask yourself